Sunday, 10 April 2016

Losing 100lbs, eating disorders and yo-yo dieting.

Writing this post isn't the easiest thing to do for me, as I don't really like talking about my weight, but after years of struggling with eating disorders, yo-yo dieting and not being in the right place mentally, I know that 2016 is my year and I am sooo ready to lose this baggage!

The reason why I am taking you on this journey with me and sharing my weekly progress on the blog is simple - I need some support and encouragement. I have support from my family obviously, but after finding out that people are laughing at me behind my back and doubting my ability to lose weight, I am so ready to prove them wrong! Obviously, I am doing it for myself and for health reasons, but I cannot wait to see their jaws drop.

Believe it or not, some people think that it's ok to suggest weight loss surgery to me! WTF? Seriously? Think before you speak! I hate the fact that gastric sleeves and other options are considered a normal solution these days, even for people like me, who are perfectly capable of losing weight the healthy way, longs they have support and are actually in the right place mentally. Overeating and eating disorders won't be cured by weight loss surgery. Most people who had it done put the weight back on! Plus the way it ruins your health is far worse than being a size 20. So a BIG FAT NO to weight loss surgery being almost a trend. It is not ok! I want to inspire people to lose weight with healthy eating and exercise. I am actually confused about the criteria for weight loss surgery and how readily available it became, but that's a subject for a separate blog post.

I mentioned my weight loss history in the past, but I never really talked about my struggle with eating disorders. It is super personal to me and I have tried to write about it in full so many times, but I end up breaking down in tears every single time and I don't really know how my mum will feel reading about it all. It would probably break her heart. I can't even imagine my daughter going through the things I went through as a teenager.

I attempted writing about my eating disorders today again, but I just can't stop crying when I think about it. My husband is the only person who knows absolutely everything about my struggles and I just sat on the floor in tears, while he listened to me for the 100th time.

While battling eating disorders, I kept losing 30lbs and then putting it back on for a good few years. Until my 20ties, I have never been bigger than a size 14, usually a 12 at 5ft 7 which is perfectly fine, yet I was still being bullied and called fat. Poland is terrible for fat shaming!

When I was 19, I travelled to UK to work for the Summer before I started university and for some reason I managed to gain a lot of weight, which continued to pile on once I was at uni. I think it was caused by the contraceptive pill I was on. I remember going from a size 12 to an 18 within 5 months and I was devastated. It was New Year's Eve and I decided that enough was enough and I will lose weight and go back to a size 12. 

My eating disorders took over my life, combined with daily exercise and taking fat burners and I lost 70lbs in 4 months! I looked great and once the weight was off, I kept it off for a year. I put on about 10lbs back, but that was it, till I got the contraceptive implant. Oh my god... I put the 60lbs back on in no time! It didn't agree with me at all. It made me super bitchy as well.

New Year resolutions seem to be a reoccurring theme and yet again, I decided to lose the weight and go from an 18 to a 12. This time, Scott and I were engaged and I was going to be a bride in 4 months time! This time round, I was so busy working, that I managed to lose 60lbs in 16 weeks which is around 3-4lbs per week. I ate small portions and exercised, walked a lot and worked in a psychically demanding job, so the weight fell off, without my demons coming back.

As I dropped the weight so quickly for the wedding, as soon as I started eating normally again, I put 30lbs back on between May and August!!!! In September, I fell pregnant and that was it, I gained sooo much weight! 

After having Zac and coming back home from the hospital, I was 50lbs heavier than when I fell pregnant and since then I never really went back to a size 12 again. The smallest I have been after kids is a 16/18 and for the past 4 years, I have been going from a size 20/22 in Winter to a 16/18 in Summer. Losing and gaining 30-40lbs like a yo-yo. EVERY damn year!

When I was pregnant the second time, I was a size 20. I gained about 10lbs in total during that pregnancy, most of it while in the hospital being pumped with IV fluids when I went into labour at 34 weeks. 2 weeks after delivering Mia, I was 30lbs lighter than before falling pregnant. All that thanks to healthy eating and minimal exercise. Unfortunately, my appetite became extreme when I started breastfeeding and I put the 30lbs back on within 8 months, while lounging on the sofa with a baby glued to me. 

Thankfully, becoming a mum changed me mentally and my eating disorders became history and I have been in recovery for over 5 years now which is great. I had problems with binge eating and yo-yo dieting a couple of times between my two pregnancies, but I am now in a great place mentally.

For the first time in my life, I couldn't care less about the way I look and I accepted my size. I am the biggest I have ever been in my life (size 20/22), yet I am the happiest. I am not losing weight to look a certain way or be a certain size. I am doing it to be healthier, fitter and to possibly prolong my life. I don't have any health problems at the moment and I feel great, but I am not sure how will the extra weight affect me in the years to come, so it has to go.

I know I can do it. I love healthy food, I like exercise. The only 2 things I have to do are: portion control and avoiding junk. No more 500ml tubs of Haagen Dazs for me, or a pizza at midnight. We got a treadmill as well and it will be a huge help. I will also be seeking help from a dietitian and I will be seeing my doctor regularly for check-ups etc, as I want to make sure I am fine along the way.

Sooo, here I am, 2 weeks into my journey and 7lbs lighter already. I will be updating you every Sunday from now on and I couldn't be more excited! I am hoping to share before photos and my progress once I am halfway there, or at least 30lbs lighter, so watch this space :) I am sharing my meals on my instagram food account theblackpearlbfood, so you can follow me there :)

7 lbs gone
93 lbs to go

Wish me luck.

Sandra xxx



  1. I really admire you for this post. I'm very private with what I share on my blog and social media but I really can sympathise with your situation and if I lost weight, I'd be more inclined to 'show myself' on my blog. I get comments quite often on why I'm so private, but blogging can be so harsh and people assume that because we blog, we have to put up with negativity and nastiness which is just ridiculous.

    I know you can, and you will do this. You have such a beautiful family, and I wish you so much luck with your mission xxx

  2. I wish you the best of luck for everything, you're so brave to share your story 💕xx

  3. Wishing you the best of luck with your journey, I know you can do it <3 xx

    Ioanna |

  4. Amazing. Good luck with this! You're a total inspiration. I've been trying to lose weight for a while and I lost about 7 lbs quite quickly and haven't really had the motivation to keep going but now I do!
    Lucy xoxo

  5. You're very brave for sharing this and being so open and honest. Good luck with your journey. You've had an excellent start.
    Lauren xx

  6. Good luck with your journey, I'd like to lose approx 15lbs that I've put on after having knee surgery. I can't be bothered though haha hopefully seeing your posts will motivate me too x

  7. Best of luck Sandra - know you can do it x

  8. Wish you luck and I know you can do it! And don't diet! Change lifestyle! I've done it in September 2015. 107kg was my weight and I got shocked!!! Today I am 84kg... I am not there,still obese according to BMI but feeling much better and the new lifestyle has became the part of my life. Cooking heathier, making good choices at the restaurant, and controlling portions, and I like to count calories nowadays:) Good luck������

  9. You can do it! I will keep up with you and your journey and I know you'll do great! Wishing you luck!

  10. Good luck!, I'm glad you are starting up your food Instagram again I used to really enjoy seeing your food posts! :) xx

  11. Best of luck lovely, good on you for posting this - the contraceptive pill did crazy things to me too and it's so hard to shift! Deffo going to follow your insta!

    Sophie xx

  12. What a brave post, well done you for sharing. Looking forward to following your journey lovely xx

  13. i am so so proud of you sharing this, I can absolutely resonate with where you are, losing weight for me resulted in obsessive thinking and sadly me losing periods so I have had no choice to but to let myself get bigger which is hard when you are stuck between knowing your body needs it, but taking on the judgement of others. i am still working hard on acceptance etc but reading this really makes me feel like others are out there. You are doing amazing, well done mrs xx

  14. What kind of contraceptive implant did you get? I have it now and I'm wondering if it's affecting me the same way as my appetite is out of control... I lost all my weight after giving birth the first week, I was actually lighter than before I fell pregnant but the after I got the contraceptive implant my appetite went crazy and I gained weight back... I'd love to hear your thoughts...

  15. Thank you for sharing a very personal matter with us. I enjoy following your healthy eating Instagram - it certainly looks like you know how to prepare delicious but healthy meals. Good luck on your journey to achieving your weight loss goals. I think most of it has to do with the commitment to leading a healthier, more active lifestyle and doing it for yourself - in which case, you're well on your way!

  16. This is so good to hear that you are doing it to be healthy. I've struggled since my 3rd baby to lose weight and it just keeps creeping up so i am the size i was at 6 months pregnant with my first baby! I have spent the past month focussing on healthy eating rather than weight loss and although weight loss is extremely minimal at the moment i am hoping that by sticking with it, i will have gradual healthy weight loss and have healthy eating habits that i can stick with for life. thank you so much for sharing this. xxx

  17. Wishing you love and luck my lovely, I understand ED completely it's a horrible illness, lots of love and hugs xxx

    Zoe ♥ MammafulZo

  18. I feel like I shouldn't wish you good luck on this journey as I believe that you can and will do this. What an incredibly brave and inspiring woman you are for hitting the publish button on this post.

    I am currently trying to lose weight and it is definately a journey which isn't the easiest but you sound so determined and in the right frame of mind. I can't wait to see all your before and after posts and thank you for taking us on your journey with you.

    Carrie xo


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Love xxx Sandra

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